His name's Arnold Judas Rimmer, he's a smeghead
by funfunfuninthesunsunsun
Summary: It was safe to say that the day Holly invented the Holly Hop Drive was the day that changed their whole lives. But that doesn't mean they shouldn't have seen it coming. After meeting his female self, Rimmer realises how disrespectful he is towards women and realises why. Before meeting his female self, Lister realises that his annoying shipmate might not be so bad after all.


It was safe to say that the day Holly invented the Holly Hop Drive was the day that changed their whole lives. But that doesn't mean they shouldn't have seen it coming.

In the months leading up to it Dave was beginning to feel different. Different about a certain insufferable shipmate. He tried to convince himself that he was just going space crazy. That being alone with only a man, a cat and a computer would drive him round the bend. Turning gay is a lot easier than turning to beastiality. Right?

It was Rimmers fault. Rimmer and his stupid parent who conditioned him to want to join the Space Core. Rimmer and his stupid brain that wouldn't let him pass the engineers exam. Rimmer who Lister had to share a bunk with for way too long. Rimmer who couldn't fix the drive plate properly. Rimmer who he was forced to be around 24/7. Rimmer and his stupid music. Rimmer and his stupid hair. Rimmer and his stupid smile. Rimmer and his stupid everything. Everything that made Dave want to take him by the hand and kiss him until he shut the smeg up.

And Dave, ever the procrastinator, decided that it was easier to blame these feelings on someone else and to ignore them instead of confronting the sparks setting fire to his insides. Then came the day of the Holly Hop Drive.

Rimmer was telling Lister about his ill advised books on women when he did something stupid.

"You be a woman. On your own in a bar, short leather miniskirt, peephole bra."

Lister froze. Was Rimmer really asking him to do this? He took a breath "Okay. Go on"

"Now this is the most incredible chat-up line you've ever heard in your life. Guaranteed"

Dave could hardly think. He could only repeat what he had already said. "Go on"

"OK, in a bar, on you own. Excuse me, would you like to join me for a cocktail?"

"No" Dave panicked. Is this what it would be like if they met under normal circumstances. Or if either of them liked guys. _Of course_.

"You can't say 'no.' It doesn't work when you say 'no.' You've got to say 'yes.'"

"Oh, right. on, go on"

"So, would you like a wormdo?"

"What's that, then?" He couldn't help but mess with Rimmer. He wouldn't be able to contain himself if the man got his pisspoor pick up line right.

"What's what?"

"A wormdo"

"What about it?" Rimmer urged him on Getting increasingly frustrated.

"Is this still the opening line?"

"But you're not giving me the right replies!"

"What is the right reply?!"

"I come up to you and say, 'Excuse me, would you like to join me

in a cocktail?' You say, 'Yes.' I say, 'Would you like a wormdo?' You

say, 'What's a wormdo?' And I say-"

"Oh, it wriggles along the ground like that." He mimed a worm with his index finger.

"You know it!" Rimmer complained.

"Rimmer, you could not pull a rotten tooth out of a dead horse's head with that one." _And me_. He thought to himself. You could pull me with that one. Well, not if they had just met. He would spit in the creeps face if they had just met. But right then. If the man he had grown to bear had grown to love had come up to him and asked him _properly;_ He would have laughed and smiled and kissed him right then and there.

Because he was going space crazy.

That's _all._

Okay so maybe that wasn't _all_. On their surprisingly long journey from red dwarf to the _other_ red dwarf he steeled himself away from the others and found a few films and documentaries about sexuality. And after two hours he came to the conclusion that he must be bisexual.

Actually the films didn't help at all. He had fallen asleep almost instantly and spent the two hours dreaming about Rimmer and Kochanski and all the other people he ever had a crush on.

A few he knew of like Lise Yates and Georgina Sally who are both ex girlfriends of his, but there were also ones that surprised him like Todhunter and Mr. Barrie who was the teacher that persuaded him to go to art school.

Guessing I like men who are in charge. Or who just think they are.

There were a lot more. Ones he didn't even recognize and ones he was embarrassed to admit but none of them mattered any way. Not even Kochanski! All that mattered was the bloke in uniform that drove him absolutely crazy. All that mattered was RimmerIt was then that Rimmer poked his head around the door.

"Listy? Come on! Up and atom! Did you really sleep for the entire trip?"

It certainly was odd meeting the female opposite of himself. She was just like him: disgusting, rude, hilariously funny and all-round a good friend. But that's all. He may be malnourished of physical contact but even if he didn't have a gigantic crush on his shipmate he still wouldn't intentionally sleep with Deb. That would practically be incest.

Lister walked over to Arlene and Arnold who were sitting in a booth on the side of the disco bar. Where Arlene seemed to be attempting to stick her tongue down Rimmers ear. When Rimmer caught sight of his friend he beckoned over to him.

"Listy! How are you me old mate, come and join us, please, god, come and join us!"

Lister set the two empty beer bottles he was holding down of the small table. Arlene stepped back from Arnold and sent Lister a glare but still didn't look at all put out and Lister was sure she would be back soon.

"That is the most awful woman I've ever met." Rimmer told him as soon as she left.

"She's you." He laughed

"She's absolutely doesn't treat me like I'm a normal human being at all, she seems to regard me as some sort of discardable sex object."

"She's the female equivalent of you."

"Nonsense! She's my luck to wind up with El Weirdo while you trap off with the one with the juicy jugs." Lister didn't want to think of Rimmer being attracted to the female version of himself. It brought up too many what ifs.

"See! She thinks of men the exact same way you think of women. It's disgusting."

"She accused me of wiggling my bottom in a provocative way! I was just walking!" Rimmer looked as if he was going to say more but he shook his head a and sighed "I guess she is a lot like me"

"I didn't mean…"

"No. You're right, I don't treat women like people." He took one of the the beer bottles Lister brought over even though it was completely empty. "I guess, back when I was actually around women, I didn't take enough notice in them to really realise they were actually there"

"You were just focused on your career" Dave said softly, his eyes taking in every bit of Arnold as the man was hunched over, inspecting the glass, and wouldn't notice Listers gaze.

"What if…" He trailed off "What if it wasn't just because of that"

"What do you mean?"

"What if I wasn't look at women?" Arnold looked longingly at Dave for a few seconds, his back still hunched over, and sighed again "What if I was just looking at men?"

"Arn? Is this your way of telling me you're gay?"

"Yes. No! I- I uh- I don't know!" Rimmer set the glass down on table with so much force that he it shattered. "Oh smeg! Fuck! Shit!"

Rimmer stood up and kept swearing. He was in a complete panic. He wiped some tears from his cheek and began to walk quickly away.

"Arn"

"For smeg! I just- I didn't mean- I- fuck"

"Arnold!" Lister grabbed Arnolds hand, stopping him in the middle of the disco. "Its okay. I'm bi. _Bisexual_. By the way"

"Oh"

"I only really came to terms with it-"

"You like men and women?"

"Well yeah…"

"Any men in particular?" Rimmer looked intently in Listers eyes; his own shining in the pink and purple disco lights.

"Yeah, there's one" Lister licked his lips "and I really want to kiss him"

"And what's this blokes na-"

Rimmer question was interrupted by Listers lips on his.

"His names Arnold Judas Rimmer, he's a smeghead"

Lister paused to look in Rimmer's unsure eyes.

"And I wouldn't have him any other way"


End file.
